Nominative Determinism
by Arvidius
Summary: What happens when the people of Hyrule suddenly realize that the same three individuals who end up destroying and saving their kingdom have the same recycled names? Well, this story explores a bit of that. One-shot. Read, review, and enjoy.


**Author's Note: You might be wondering from the first few paragraph where the 'Zelda' part of the fanfic is. Don't worry, it's there—just give it a chance. Read, review, and enjoy.**

_Nominative Determinism_

"I'd like to take an insurance policy out on me wife and son," piped a pleading voice from across the counter of the main office of Lyon's of Hyrule. The man sitting opposite the counter twirled a luxurious handlebar mustache and deliberately situated a monocle over a discriminating eye.

"Yes I'm sure," Mustache said rather poshly. "And your name?"

"Wallace the Smith—though, all me mates really calls me Wally."

Mustache dibbed a quill pen in a small tub of ink and began absently scribbling on a stack of form letters. He sniffed, "I see, and the name of your wife?"

"Mary. Never quite figured out if t'was short for Marianne, or Marianna, Madeline, or—"

Mustache waved a hand dismissively, "Yes, how interesting. And your estimated annual salary?"

"'Bout 1,200 hundred or so rupees."

"Based upon your expenses, taxes, and other costs, can you afford a monthly premium of six rupees?"

"Aye. That I can."

"Very good. Those monthly rates will cover you, your wife, and your son in a single policy. Everything seems to be in order."

"Thank ye," Wally gave a toothy grin as he proceeded to sign the scribbled form that Mustache casually gave him.

As Wally navigated the pen onto the form, Mustache slapped a well-manicured hand over the signature line.

One more question," Mustache said, clearing his throat. "What was the name of your son, again?"

"Little runt's named Link."

Mustache grasped the form, crumpled it into a tight wad, and dismissively tossed it over one shoulder.

"Good day to you sir!" Mustache abruptly announced as he deliberately averted his gaze away from Wally and back to an accounting ledger.

Wally stared at Mustache, too bewildered to make either a move or an utterance. He remained there for a handful of minutes, until finally, out of obligation, Mustache turned his gaze back to the very confused Smith.

"Yes…?" Mustache inquired.

"So, do I gets the policy?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"But, but why?"

"Your son. You named him Link."

"That a problem is it?" Wally said, arching his arms in a shrug.

"Yes."

"Well that's a load 'a toss. What if I changed his name to Bernard, or Harry, or what about Debbie?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Well, why?"

"Do you know your history, sir?"

"What?"

"History! The events of the past."

"You mean like what I had for breakfast and all?"

Mustache shook his head in near despair. "Every few hundred years, a powerful evil force attempts to change the cosmic balance of the universe—usually by attempting to attack the Kingdom of Hyrule or the like. In response to these cyclical, near apocalyptic events, a chosen hero is selected via divine ordination to defeat said evil and restore balance to the universe. That hero is _always_ named Link."

"Aye. Didn't understand a word a'that. So what's that got to do with me not getting insured and all?"

Mustache's palm and fingers smacked his forehead. "Your boy! His name! _Link_!

Wally lazily scratched his neck, "Aye, I have a lad named Link."

"Yes! The same name as the chosen hero!"

"Wait, are you saying that me lad is—naw. That's a load of bollocks mate!"

"Regardless whether he _is_ or _isn't_ the chosen hero, our statistical research has led us to conclude that individuals named Link are 20,000 percent more likely to be chosen hero than individuals _not_ named Link. He's patently uninsurable."

"But if he's a hero and like wicked awesome, why can't he get insurance if he doesn't die?"

"They _do_ die! At least the previous heroes do. It usually doesn't stop them from defeating evil, but they still die. And guess who pays the costs? This company once had to pay ten successive life insurance policies on a single Link. It nearly bankrupted Lyon's of Hyrle. His first death was because he was a bit of a ninny and kept jumping off cliffs. Then he got lost is some sort of labyrinthine forest and starved. Then he was attacked by a marauding hoard of chickens. Then the moon collapsed on top of him. Then he committed suicide over a pair of Iron Boots and a Water Temple. Another was eaten and digested by an enormous fish god… Need I go on?"

"Naw mate. I think ye made the point. Me son's not insurable 'cause he's probably some sort of hero."

"Very good. I'm sorry we couldn't help you. Good day Mr. Wallace."

Wally turned to go, but paused as an enormous grin snaked across his features. "Wait a tick. Can I take a policy out on a like, non-Link person?"

Mustache nodded, "Naturally."

"Alright, I'd like to take out a policy on a bloke named Ganondorf… he's...he's my brother…um…from another mother."

"Of course. Since Mr. Ganondorf Dragmire is aged thirty, in good health, and he rules an entire kingdom, I can give you a very good policy rate—especially since actuarially it's highly unlikely that anything unfortunate could possibly happen to him. Royalty are generally long lived after all."

Wally beamed, and had Mustache been more discerning he might have seen the corners of his mouth crook into a sly smile.

Moments later, as signatures were exchanged and hands were shaken, Wally walked out the door—leaving Mustache with a feeling of profound relief—he had dodged the bullet. He laughed dismissively at the notion that Wally could _ever_ collect on a life insurance policy on Ganondorf.

His eyes rose above the countertop as the door opened once again. A tiny voice queried: "Well met guvnor; tell me, can I take out an insurance policy on my pottery shop?"

**A/N: If you are interested in this kind of humor, I have several other one-shot fanfictions with actual Legend of Zelda characters, notably **_**Race of the Heart, A Romantic Tale with Gratuitous Class Angst, **_**and**_** Another Day at the Office. **_**I'm also trying to resume work on the more serious **_**Ocarina of Time: Da Capo Al Fine**_**, and it's always nice to have reviews and pointers for that. Hope everyone enjoyed.**


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